Death of the Democratic Party

The Democratic Party, born 1792 to Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, died Wednesday after a long illness. The Party is survived by thousands of stalwarts who refuse to admit that their party is dead. However, a second failure to defeat the least competent presidential candidate in Republican history, whose record at home and abroad is one of dismal failure, coupled with broad legislative and gubernatorial losses, leaves little doubt of the Donkey's demise.

A post-mortem is in process at the Great Divide. Preliminary results indicate that cause of death was two-fold:

1) Cowardly Messagitis: characterized by loss of ability to speak to one's base, without fear of backlash from the Heartland, which isn't going to vote Democratic anyway. The deceased received an early diagnosis of Messagitis in the Great Divide, but took no action;

2) Chronic Suppression: characterized by invalidation of large numbers of Democratic votes due to dropped registrations; discarded ballots; understaffed/under-equipped polling places; and outright intimidation---all occurring primarily in areas likely to vote Democratic. The impact of widely used electronic voting machines manufactured and operated by GOP "Pioneers" and "Rangers" may never be known due to secret programming and an absence of paper trails.

Over the next few weeks, we'll present the results of our post-mortem, including speculation that the victim might not be dead at all, but rather in a zombie stupor, mimicking death, presenting a slight chance of recovery under certain conditions.

The Editors

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